The spiritual gap of #me2
How responsible are we really for another person’s emotions? In the conscious community world and other psychological conscious platforms, some people may have expressed that we can never make each other feel anything and thus we are we only responsible for our own experience. This means that I am only ever feeling victimized, betrayed, lonely or sad because I choose to be. Often this choosing however is merely a myriad of past traumas and the resulting triggers or reoccurring ‘dummy traumas’, in which we recreate the primary traumas.
The question and its answer have been of particular importance and interest to me as I have been sexually manipulated and abused. To say it with the responsibility of my own beliefs, actions and words, I couldn’t say ‘no’.
The first time happened when I was 6 years old. One of the sons of my mum’s friends who was 12 at that time took me to a secret spot and rubbed his body against mine for an hour or so. I can’t remember much apart from the numbing feeling of my body that was used for someone else’s purpose.
The second time happened over a duration of 3 months by my fathers best friend. The manipulative subtle ways he used to get me to ‘where he wanted me to be’ made me believe that I not only wanted it, too - but that I had fallen in love with him. In psychology such an event could be diagnosed as “Stockholm Syndrome”. It took me 10 years to finally feel my feelings, my rage, my pain, my devastation. I initially hid it from my family and friends and then defended both of us for a year until - slowly - it dawned on me that it had been a very sneaky form of misuse. Understandably that he remains completely ignorant about the truth and instead insists that it was me seducing him (I was 18, he was 42). The consequence of this was that my dad and I lost contact for five years. My father and his friend ended the business they had started together and my dad was devastated and hurt that I had not trusted him enough to tell him.
The third abuse happened equally sneaky during an Ayahuasca ceremony when the Shaman touched me sexually and invited me into sexual play with him while I was in a state of complete oneness and consciousness. Similarly, I took full responsibility at first and then went through a phase that brought me to the edge of psychosis. I consider this time as tremendously healing, as my brain was restructuring its experience of reality. I wasn’t sure about my own safety and I wasn’t sure how much of all these experiences had been me evokes something that I wasn’t conscious of. I had to poke through a many blind spots in my awareness of myself. The consequence of this experience was amongst others, the loss of a partnership that just had started to bud. It was not the only price I paid.
I could say: “Yeah, #me2” But I don’t, because I have stopped believing in victimhood or persecution as such.
But not only that, I have embraced the idea that all of us are fractals of one consciousness that experiences itself through us. That means that everything that is occurring to me, is a part of myself doing it to me. That is the consequence of true oneness.
Before I explain what that means in real time for our relationship, I want to explain how I got there.
I had a series of actual spiritual awakenings after the suicide of my partner a couple of years ago. Such an experience is worth its own article, but I want to bring it into the context of this share, because it is well known amongst scientists and consciousness researchers that traumatic shock and near death experiences can drastically alter the consciousness of a person to a state that others don’t have easily access to.
That’s what happened to me. There was a moment when truth was poking through the level of consciousness I had at that time, which was so ridiculously far away from where I was that I am only beginning to understand it now, many years after it came. The insight was that I began to recognize that I wasn’t responsible for his pain, his thoughts and his decision to die.
Before I had that insight, I was not going to let him go. I would have rather died with him than carrying the responsibility for the death of the person I loved the most in my life. And I almost did. But my consciousness had different plans for me. And here I am today, happier than ever before, pursuing my purpose and my joy.
The question that always bugged while pursuing my journey in personal development however was: How responsible are we really for each others feelings? Can I make another person feel something or are we solely responsible for our own experience?
The more I paid attention, the more I realized that there is a misunderstanding occurring, which could eventually lead to more spiritual and relational damage than healing.
The truth is that both is true. Both statements co-exist together.
In a shamanic ritual I have asked the sun for help. I received this metaphor to help our consciousness to see itself through our individual eyes. The sun directly (through direct connection) or indirectly (eg. through reflection in the snow or the water) shines sun rays onto our skin. So can we be directly (through direct connection) or indirectly (through social media, other people’s opinions, rumors, collective beliefs, etc.) be touched and impacted through someone else’s emotions.
The sun rays may alter their strength and intensity depending on where the person receiving them is located in the world and also depending on which season it is where they are.
Equally, we can experience the impact of someone else’s emotions differently in different locations, during different seasonal times and our level of exposure to them.
Further, different people have completely different bodies and thus react differently to the sun because of their DNA background and skin color, their overall health and vitamin intake, and the speed with which they produce vast amounts of melatonin.
Similarly, based on our DNA and our parental and environmental upbringing we are sensitive to some emotions more than to others.
Now here is the interesting part: even though the sun penetrates us and impacts us through its penetration, nobody but ourselves is responsible for what happens next.
Are you the type of person who complains about the sun - someone who gets upset when the sun isn’t shining or who complains about the intensity and the heat?
Are you the type of person who self cares and protects themselves from the sun via sunscreen, clothing or shade?
Do we hide from the sun and go totally out of it’s way?
Are you the type of person who develops skin cancer or the one who stays healthy and repairs quickly if a burn has occurred?
Are you the person who gets sunburned or who tans easily?
It totally depends on you how the sun is impacting your organism, your mood, your relationships. But you are definitely impacted. Only that the sun isn’t to be blamed for it.
The sun itself also has its own responsibility, however. In the case of the sun, its responsible for showing up every day, for example. It’s also maintaining its size and strength for the next 500 Million years or so anyway.
Similarly, the sender of an impact has responsibility in the way they show up. That implies what they think about us in the first place. Because if they are not willing to see how we want to be seen - if they are only willing to see certain aspects which they believe to be true about us, it is impossible to be met. The sender is responsible for being available, for maintaining and respecting boundaries, for having empathy which is another word for listening and then listening some more.
Just because we all have different ways of impacting each other it doesn’t mean that we can be unaware of our impact. It is not in our hand and not in our responsibility how this person reacts to us. But it is our responsibility to show up and be there for the others to express and experience impact while feeling that we are listening and watching.
I am coming back to the fractal expression of a greater consciousness.
Those who have explored their own shadows far and deep enough will know that there is great darkness in all of us. We are capable of bad thinking, physically and emotionally hurting people - even purposefully - even killing people. We could all train ourselves to do it if it was absolutely necessary. At least we could train ourselves to kill ourselves.
Having said that, we we are also all capable of healing each other with our thoughts and actions. What we see in another person is the reality of our experience of this person and the reality of this person experiencing itself in our closeness. Our electromagnetic heart waves are similar to the wave frequency of sunlight. They both impact bodies and transcend through them. It is possible to cover up and protect ourselves or hide, but generally we can impact each other that way.
These heart waves emit a certain vibrational wave frequency based on beliefs, memories, thoughts and the resulting feelings that we experience. If I am feeling fearless, grateful and loving, it is different than my heart waves in the face of fear, blame or anger.
The only true responsibility that we have towards another person’s feelings and impact lies within ourselves. It’s about how we show up for ourselves - if we feel hurt we need to forgive ourselves first of all for allowing someone else to hurt us. The process of forgiveness is to go through all the emotions, to fully release them, to let them have their story. Often they are disintegrated, lonely parts of our childhood. If we feel ashamed of ourselves - how can I care about my own heart first so I can meet the other without collapsing, without punishing or blaming ourselves.
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass the world is too full to talk about.”
It’s easy: we forget that we are maybe one consciousness - but that we all have our unique fractal experiences each of which not only can - but has to coexist. We can come really close to one consciousness, however, if we are really open and free to let the other person’s experience of ourselves through their eyes into our world. If we can be open enough to meet our mirrored image without judgement or fear. That’s where forgiveness starts.
Forgiving into love is the awareness that what I forgive myself, is really a part of you whom I forgive. And vice versa, what I forgive you, I really forgive myself. I have noticed it with clients, partners, family and friends. That is my personal experience of one-ness.
We can even forgive others even if they are not willing to see. It is not their fault. Most of the time, shame is keeping them from seeing themselves. Shame is the most dangerous feeling as it can suck people into spirals of the underworld. I have been trapped in shame spirals and remember how difficult it was to escape. Someone who is not strong enough, will not be able to face their shame. Remembering that everything has a function, even our longing to be right - it all shows up because it served us at some point in our lives to the extreme that it helped us to survive. I am more kind to myself when I remember this, whatever it is that I do or feel. It is a part of my - often slightly off ways of showing love towards myself.
This is when we begin letting go of our ego and dissolve into a place of love.