Even Fear is Safe. Here is Why.

Am I Safe?

That’s the question I return to again and again.

In the middle of a fight.
In the darkness of the night walking on my own.

Showing vulnerability towards my friends.
During rough sex. 
In the burning desire for connection. 

Am I safe?

Of course, in the grand scheme of life, we’re not.
Life isn’t safe, because of death. 

This body will die.

And yes, death is scary, because it is so unknown, so intense, and so radical. 

But we don’t only fear death - we fear pain. 

In a relational context, our two greatest fears are annihilation and abandonment. 

But no matter how hard you try you will not escape pain. 

In fact, the more you try to hide, the more it will come and eat you silently from the inside.
Like death, it’s a fact that your heart will break.
We will be betrayed, misunderstood, left behind, or forgotten.

You will be abandoned in one way or another. 

Your ego will be annihilated. 

In two-hundred years from now, nobody will remember your name or your story. 

Does that sound scary? 

Unsafe? 

Safety, I’m learning, isn’t the absence of danger.

It’s not the absence of grief or heartbreak or rupture.
It’s the presence of something deeper.

A nervous system that says:
I can be with this.
I can stay. 

I can feel. 

I can open.

Let that sink in for a moment. 

Safety isn’t the absence of danger or pain. 

It’s your capacity to be with anything that happens to you. 

In that sense, even fear is safe. 

Let’s take a deeper look into the four different layers of experiencing safety:

🌱 Individual safety — the felt sense of being okay in your own skin. Safe in your body. Safe to feel. Safe to love yourself. The more able you are to be with any amount of pain, the more safe you’ll feel. 

🌀 Relational safety — the sacred understanding that we are entrusted with each other's hearts. That we will be gentle enough, that we will show up. Signs that signal relational safety are eye contact. The tone of voice rather than the words. That the other is responding to you in a positive way. And kindness, compassion, understanding and attunement. 

🏡 Environmental safety — the reality of our external world. Is my home safe? My community? My city? Can I walk alone at night without flinching at every sound? 

🌌 Spiritual safety — the deeper knowing that you are meant to be here. That life is not punishing you, but that it is happening FOR you, yes even the greatest challenges (or shall I say especially those?). That you are held by something greater. Wanted. Loved by existence itself. This is where we connect to our origin. Our creation energy. 

Our brain is an incredible instrument. 

It creates the world for us. 

It’s optimised for survival. 

The brain will always scan for danger.
That’s its job.

But the heart...
The heart can be trained to stay open.
To keep choosing love even when it’s scary.
To choose softness even in the face of the world’s hard edges.

Byron Katie (the creator of “The Work”, a body of work that aims at changing the way you think about the world) once told a story of walking in a forest, where she encountered someone who was illegally cooking drugs. 

The next thing she knew was that a gun was pointed in her face.
Because she had done so much inner work that, in that moment,
all she felt was love and compassion for the gunman.
Not surprisingly, the gunman felt this and was so disturbed by it that he ended up weeping in her arms.

I’m not saying this is a standard to live up to (I am not there by any means).
But I am saying that it’s possible. 

I’m learning to train my nervous system not to wait for safety, but to create it.
Not by controlling life, but by choosing to feel safe in the midst of life’s chaos.

To remember:
Even in this pain, I am safe.
Even in this fear, I am safe.
Even in this trembling moment of “what if?” I am safe.
Even in my wild, messy, raw humanity... I am safe.

Not because nothing bad will ever happen.
But because even if it does, I will still be me.
Still breathing.
Still loving.
Still here.

Safety is a choice. 

Keep choosing it until your body feels it. 

If this speaks to you, forward it to someone you love.
Invite them to explore safety with you. Start a conversation. Have a think about when in your life you believed that you weren’t safe, and the consequences of this time until today. 

I always believed I wasn’t safe as a child. 

But actually, there was a lot of safety there. 

Yes, maybe not on all the emotional levels - which is why my relationship life is complex. 

But I survived. 

I become more resilient. 

And highly sensitive. 

This doesn’t mean that I suggest that you should stay in situations that make you feel unsafe and force yourself to feel safe regardless. 

I am saying that you have more power to create the reality you want to experience, than you think. 

With fierce love

Bibi Gratzer

Sex & Relationship Coach

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