Real Love Is Without Possession.
Aug 07, 2025
About a month ago, Aubrey Marcus — author, entrepreneur, and psychonaut — shared publicly that he is now living in a three-way relationship with his wife, Vylana, and another woman, Alana. Link to the original podcast.
Their constellation?
He is intimately and erotically engaged with both partners.
The two women are also open to connections with other men.
And the internet exploded.
From YouTube breakdowns to comment section critiques, a wave of judgment, concern, and projection swept across the consciousness community and beyond.
The most common accusations?
That this setup is spiritual bypassing. Meaning, he didn’t own his desires and, instead, said he received guidance from God.
That Aubrey is actually a narcissist, and a lesser man because he doesn’t commit.
That Vylana must be a manipulated victim who has to submit because of the power structures at play.
That Alana is young and naive, and unaware of what she got herself into.
That a "Sacred Union Couple" has no business practicing non-monogamy.
Some even went so far as to say this entire setup invalidates their spiritual teachings.
And yet… what if this moment reveals more about us, the collective, than it does about them?
🌿 The Sacred Union Shadow
I’ve spent years researching monogamy and polyamory.
Not to choose sides. But to understand.
To truly look at our cultural and ancestral programming around love, possession, safety, sexuality, and truth.
And what I’ve seen over and over again is this:
People don’t just judge choices—they judge freedom.
I’ve felt it in my own life.
People who ‘live a normal life’, often judge me for my work.
Some people judge me for being a bisexual woman who wants to explore that part of herself honestly while in relationship. As if there was a belief that this is abnormal and an outrageous thing to want - or a very slutty thing to want.
They judge me for even daring to ask: What else is possible?
My response: Let them.
Just a few days ago in Austria, I visited my nearly 90-year-old grandmother. On the way to her house, we passed a woman she knew. Later, she told me the story:
This woman had lived as part of a trio — two sisters, one man, nine children.
The man never married either of them, but lived and loved with both.
And do you know what shocked me?
The village never blinked.
A small, alpine village in Catholic Austria… accepted this as normal.
Which makes me wonder…
When did our tolerance change and contract?
When did our ideas of “good” and “sacred” become so narrow?
When did we become so afraid of people who have different relationships?
🔥 Love, Shadow, and the Myth of the Perfect Couple
At Tamera in Portugal — a spiritual intentional community devoted to peace and relational healing — I learned a phrase that changed my life:
Because most of us don’t even dare to talk about our secrets, our desires, our fantasies, or what we really want.
We’re afraid of judgment. Of punishment. Of being too much. Of hurting our partner. Of being hurt.
We confuse possession with love.
We believe that love is about keeping someone to ourselves—about making them ours, and making ourselves theirs - forever.
We perform the identity of “the good partner" instead of being who we are.
But even if our desire to be in Sacred Union is genuine, and we are not hiding… Even if we do our best to give each other freedom, to encourage each other to be authentic and true, we can still fall pray to our unconscious desire to control and manipulate.
That’s why we need community.
We need feedback loops that don’t shame us, and yet are honest and direct.
That’s why Tamera exists - to offer individuals feedback about their relational shadows.
It’s not only about exploring one’s desires without fear, but to be responsible for everything that arises as a consequence.
This is not an easy thing to do.
It’s not an easy path to walk.
But it is a possible path.
Here is Tamera's blog on why free sexuality and partnership are not contradicting each other.
As part of exploring this topic further, I also listened to a follow-up conversation between Aubrey Marcus and Ian MacKenzie (from The Mythic Masculinepodcast), where they explored the aftermath of Aubreys ‘coming out’ and the cost of this path.
They explored failure, true commitment in a polycule relationship, discernment between truth and shadow, the importance of community, and circle work.
Their courage to name what didn’t work and Aubreys radical honesty and fierce self-inquiry mattered more to me than any of the judgements Aubrey, Vylana and Alana had received combined.
Because real love asks us not to get it right but to stay in the fire long enough to be changed by it.
🌹 What Kind of Culture Are We Creating?
We don’t need to become polyamorous to free love from fear.
But we do need to start asking braver questions.
Here are some I’m sitting with:
What does love beyond possession really mean?
How can we welcome jealousy as a mirror instead of seeing it as a failure?
How can we remove violence from both jealousy and from claiming?
How can we become both, more generous to give our partner freedom and more trusting?
In a non-monogamous relationship, where do we go for wise, grounded feedback? Who helps us stay accountable? Who points out our shadows? Who guides us on our next steps?
Can we honour eros without being consumed by it? Can we trust eros as a teacher, as a gift for our life? Can we allow eros not to be about sex?
What does it look like to stay true to the soul of a relationship, even when it doesn’t follow the traditional form?
And more importantly:
Can we create a culture of love that holds multiple forms of relating while staying awake to the shadows that might drive them?
Can we build spaces where men are not just “free to sleep with whoever,” but free to feel, to grieve, to surrender, to let go of the pressure to perform?
Can we create a relational culture where women are not just “safe to express” but safe to not know, to change, to ask for more and less?
💔 Not every Relationship Is for every body
There is no formula for the perfect relationship.
In fact, do you get it?
There is no perfect relationship.
Just like there’s no one perfect way to nourish your body.
Your body has its own history. Its own rhythms. Its own shape and sensitivities.
You can follow fitness trends or diets, but what strengthens one body may weaken another.
The same is true for love.
Your relationship path is as unique as your fingerprints.
Some people thrive in long-term monogamy.
Some flourish in open relating.
Some need fluidity.
Some are devoted to one soul and one soul only—and even that can change over time.
The only thing that doesn’t work is going behind someone’s back.
So how do you discover what kind of relationship is right for you—and for the two (or more) of you together?
Here are some powerful entry points:
🌹 1. Study with an open mind
Read books on Sacred Union, polyamory, monogamy, attachment styles, and the history of sexuality.
Learn about how culture, trauma, patriarchy, religion, and capitalism have shaped your desires and fears.
(Some book suggestions available upon request!)
💬 2. Talk it through
Discuss what you're learning—as you're learning it.
With friends, lovers, mentors, therapists.
Don’t just read and journal—co-regulate your inquiry.
🔥 3. Follow the energy
Pay attention to what triggers, excites, repulses, or draws you in.
That twist in your belly? That heat in your face?
They’re not random.
They’re breadcrumbs.
Follow them into your deeper psyche.
✨ 4. Vision from the soul
Ask yourself:
- What kind of love do I long for?
- What do I want to experience in this lifetime?
- What kind of relationship would support my deepest becoming?
Write it down. Speak it out loud.
Let your future vision magnetise the right structure.
🤝 5. Connect with others
Seek out like-hearted couples and communities who are walking this path.
Surround yourself with people who can hold your questions without needing you to be “just like them.”
Don’t do this work alone.
🕊 6. Tell the truth, again and again
Be relentlessly honest—with yourself, and with your partner.
When you're not sure what’s true, say what you doubt , or what would be your best guess (your doubt and guess is a form of truth).
Do regular shadow work.
Ask others to lovingly reflect your blind spots.
And above all—stay spiritually discerning.
Not all desires come from your soul.
Some come from trauma.
Some come from fear.
Some come from a longing to bypass the deeper work.
Discernment is essential, and is what really helps us evolve with integrity.
There is no one way. But there is your way.
And it becomes more visible every time you pause, listen, tell the truth, and choose love over fear.
BOOK A FREE RELATIONSHIP VISION CALL HERE
With fierce love,
Bibi Gratzer
Sex & Relationship Coach
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