Shame. The Quiet Killer of Eros
Jul 10, 2025
Shame is a familiar feeling for me.
As a teenager, I got myself into both anorexia and bulimia—two devouring addictions that often go unnamed as what they really are: shame and rage internalised so deeply that they attack the body and soul.
My eating disorders were triggered from being slut-shamed by my friends and my community as a young girl. As well as having a dysfunctional childhood.
But the shame I carry goes way back in my blood line.
All my life, I’ve often felt smaller than I am.
Unworthy. Less-than. Especially in comparison to friends who seemed to have the experience of life that was inaccessible to me.
I’ve found myself shrinking around powerful teachers, projecting onto them that they are better, wiser, more whole than I.
I’ve felt shame for not living more of the life I want—I felt too scared, too unworthy, too full of myself to fully claim my dreams.
And then my 40th birthday happened.
Something clicked.
I looked at the woman I had become, the woman I am becoming, and I made a quiet but unshakable commitment:
No more shame.
Not the toxic kind, at least.
Not the kind that keeps me hiding, apologising, pretending, self-sabotaging.
Because here’s the thing: shame is often disguised as modesty, people-pleasing, fear or numbness.
But more often, it’s the voice of the ‘mind-virus’—telling me that I’m not good enough, not lovable enough, not worthy enough, not strong enough, not powerful enough… to want, to ask, to shine, to live fully.
🌿 The Difference Between Toxic and Healthy Shame
In case you wondered, guilt and shame are not the same.
Guilt says: I did something wrong.
Shame says: I am something wrong.
One is about the behaviour. The other is about the whole person.
But not all shame is bad.
Toxic shame is a chronic sense of unworthiness.
It’s the voice that says, “Who do you think you are?”
It often comes from early environments where your vulnerability, needs, or authenticity were not welcomed—but judged, ignored, punished, or ridiculed. It leads to depression and suicide.
Healthy shame, on the other hand, reminds us that we are imperfect and gives us an opportunity to adjust our thoughts and actions. It makes us more conscious and self-aware.
It keeps us humble. It reminds us we belong to something bigger.
When shame is regulated and acknowledged, it brings us closer to others.
But when it festers unacknowledged it becomes a manifestation killer.
(As Carolyn Elliott, author of “Existential Kink” says: “Shame is what keeps you from having what you want.”)
🦠 Shame and the Wetiko Mind Virus
The Cree term “Wetiko” describes a spiritual illness of the mind—one that consumes its host with greed, disconnection, self-loathing, and soul-blindness.
It’s a collective trauma wound, a kind of inter-dimensional parasite that feeds on separation from God (the belief that we are not sacred, while something outside of us is).
Author Paul Levy describes Wetiko as a mind virus that tricks you into attacking yourself—through shame, guilt, internalised oppression, and the belief that you're unworthy of love.
It turns your brilliance into a burden.
Your uniqueness into a threat.
Your desires into something to be ashamed of.
But here's the good news: Wetiko can only survive in the dark.
It dies in the light of awareness, truth, compassion, and connection.
Every time you say, “I feel shame,” instead of being shame—
Every time you reveal your underworld in a sacred circle—
Every time you let love into the part of you that wants to hide—
You are breaking the spell.
🧬 Ancestral Shame
Some of the shame I carry is deeply rooted in my lineage. Many of us may carry such shame unconsciously. Especially in countries like England, bearing in mind that the wealth of these lands came at the cost of oppression and taking from other countries with violence.
I am talking about the shame of what our ancestors did.
Of land and the lives that were taken.
Of silence when there should have been resistance.
Of lives colonised, women burned, children punished.
We carry this in our DNA.
Family constellations have shown me this over and over again.
It’s not all yours—but you still carry it.
And to be free, you must be willing to feel it, honour it, and give it back.
🌺 When Environments Perpetuate Shame
Shame grows in environments where:
- Your vulnerability is unheard (even by yourself)
- Your needs and desires are invalidated
- You’re bullied, criticised, or surrounded by people who don't celebrate your light
- You constantly walk on eggshells, unsure if you’re “too much” or “not enough”; you can’t be your authentic self anymore
- Your ideas are ridiculed instead of supported
- Your boundaries are overstepped, and you don’t know if you even have a voice
Shame thrives in disconnection.
💗 What Heals Shame?
According to Brené Brown: “If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment.”
So what kills it?
Empathy. Connection. Vulnerability.
But we can also go further.
We can work with shame, instead of avoiding it.
🔥 8 Ways to Work with ShameEnergetic Boundaries
Learn to feel when shame is rising—and don’t let it into your nervous system like it owns the place. It’s not you. It’s something you’ve learned.
- Breathwork with affirmations, allowing the body to discharge
Release the frozen parts. Rewire the shame loops. Send in new codes: I am worthy. I am safe. I am loved. I am allowed. - Authentic Connection
Share your shame story with someone who can hold you in love. Speak it out loud. Let it be heard, and healed. - Existential Kink
Ask: what part of me is turned on by shame? Why have I secretly enjoyed this story? Where has it helped me avoid responsibility, action, or intimacy? - Family Constellation Work
Discover what shame is ancestral, and give it back—with love. - EMDR / Trauma Therapy
To gently, powerfully rewire the moments when shame got planted in your nervous system. - Change Your Environment
Get out of spaces that keep you small. Choose to be in places, relationships, and communities where your authenticity is welcomed. - Practice Rituals of Worthiness
Dress in clothes that honour your beauty. Take yourself out on sacred dates. Say prayers to your younger self. Leave post-it notes of love on your bathroom mirror. Eat food that nourishes you. Treat your body like a temple. Accept yourself as you are. - Become one with God/dess
Let that sink in: no matter how distorted, fucked up and unhealthy your thoughts and behaviours are, you are sacred. You are a creation of the God/dess. You are one with the universe. Best done on psychedelics to break down the barriers of separation and really let this go into your skin.
💌 Final Words
From a spiritual perspective, shame is not just something to get rid of—it’s something to alchemise.
Shame reveals the exact places where your light got distorted.
It shows you where your original essence was interrupted.
It’s the signal of your core wound, and therefore—also the doorway to your core power.
To do shadow work is to look shame in the eyes and say:
“I see you. I love you. I choose truth. And I choose you even with your imperfections.”
And that choice—over and over again—is what leads to wholeness.
Even just a little bit more each day.
With fierce love
Bibi Gratzer
Sex & Relationship Coach
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