The Gift of Jealousy
Jun 01, 2025
Let's talk about jealousy.
Not the soft, theoretical kind.
The real kind.
The kind that coils in the gut. That floods your chest. That has you gripping the edge of your seat, holding your breath, trying not to go mad watching the one you love touch someone else’s skin.
Jealousy is not just an emotion.
It’s a threshold experience.
And left untended, it’s dangerous.
Every 5 days, a woman in the UK is murdered by her partner —
often driven by jealousy, control, possession.
This is not a small feeling.
This is not something to be spiritually bypassed or tucked under the yoga mat.
At the Dark Eros retreat, my partner had his first experience of seeing the goddess not just in me…
but in many.
Different bodies. Different faces. Different expressions of the same divine spark.
It’s a tantric teaching:
That we are One Consciousness, dancing through many forms.
That the Goddess has a thousand faces.
And to understand her love more deeply, to understand the principle of unity through the principle of the fractal, to not get caught up in possession or enmeshment, and to remember that we all have to let go one day, one trains themselves to see her everywhere —
not just in the one we call mine.
Beautiful, right?
Also: excruciating.
Also: re-traumatising (especially if one has had traumatic experiences of betrayal).
Where do we draw the line between betrayal / re-traumatising, and spiritual expansion?
We have to draw that line somewhere because we cannot see the Goddess if we are constantly in survival mode and / or jealous.
Jealousy is a storm.
And like all storms, it’s made of many winds:
- The belief that others have something I don’t.
- The fear that others might be better than me.
- The fear that the special moment I wanted is now being had with someone else.
- The ache of attachment — wanting the one I want to want me.
- Possession. Control.
- The pain of inequity — watching others get what I’ve longed for
And underneath all that?
Fear.
Of loss.
Of not being good enough.
Of being replaceable.
I am not saying that fear is the only reason for jealousy, but it is a big one. Add cultural pressures, ancestral baggage, etc.
Interestingly, tantra — especially on the left-hand path — doesn’t soothe that fear.
It invites it in.
It strips you down and whispers:
“Can you burn without disappearing?”
Because yes — this path can burn through years of spiritual bypass in a single ritual.
But it can also burn you.
You can lose your trust.
You can lose your mind.
You can lose your ability to love again.
So you need anchors.
You need the sacred pause.
David Deida speaks of a three-stage approach to jealousy.
You witness it.
You name it.
You say: “Right now, I’m imagining you love them more.”
“I’m feeling like I don’t matter.”
“I’m scared. I want to shut down.”
You move through the storm, rather than armouring against it or lashing out.
You resource in safety — not by controlling the other, but by holding yourself.
You bring breath to the fire.
Not to put it out.
But to let it purify instead of destroy.
And why would anyone want to consciously experience jealousy?
Because jealousy shows us where we grip love, where we cling instead of trust.
Or to heal some karmic wounds.
Or because someone wants to make a sacrifice for their partner who wants to expand and explore or who feels safer through the presence of more people.
Jealousy reveals our deepest fears and our deepest desires.
Because ultimately, what we all desire is safety and love.
The question remains, can we be polyamorous-and safe, as Jessica Fern (author of Poly-secure) asks?
Can we see the many faces of the goddess through one partner… or do we need the mirror of many?
There is no one right way.
No correct formula.
Only this:
Suppressing someone’s desire for freedom is just as damaging as suppressing someone’s need for safety.
And real love? Sacred love?
The dream is that it can hold both. For many here on Earth, this is still a difficult path. Not only because tantra is still the path less travelled and can be misunderstood.
The point is don't judge jealousy in yourself and others.
You’re not broken.
You’re not petty.
You’re not behind on your spiritual evolution.
There is no such a thing as 'the cool crowd' that has it all figured out, but you don't.
We are all jealous from time to time.
Jealousy is a gift that can show you the ways in which you want to be loved.
And there’s something sacred in that.
With love and devotion,
Bibi Gratzer
Sex and Relationship Coach
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