How To Repair Conflict
May 22, 2025
I am a devotee of love. This means that I choose love over the parts of me that want to run away, hide, protect and defend.
My partner and I hit rock bottom around the time of my retreat. We both wanted to run away, leave the relationship and end the pain that we were both in. The Love Coach whom we are working with, helped me to lean in instead of leaving; helped me to ask for what I need to trust again. She reminded me what it means to be fully devoted, not half-heartedly.
This reminded me how fucking transformational it is to have a really good relationship mentor by your side.
It doesn’t mean that we’ll stay together or make it through this crisis.
It means that we choose love instead of closing off.
It means bowing to my partner as I see him in his totally - his soul, his love for me, and his trauma.
I understand that he isn't purposefully trying to hurt me and I am not intentionally hurting him.
It means to say thank you when all my core-wounds are triggered and I feel like I have been stabbed with a few swords and arrows. ‘Thank you’ because my core-wounds get the chance of another round of healing by being honest with myself, giving myself validation and asking for what I need.
Over the last few weeks, I feel like I have earned my badge as a true devotee of love. Being a devotee of love means seeing conflict as ‘connection wanting to happen’ and an opportunity for healing and repair.
That is culture change.
- How did you see your parents repairing conflict when you grew up?
- What did they teach you about conflict?
- What did you learn about repairing a broken heart throughout your life?
Here are some of the common beliefs we have been falsely taught about conflict and repair:
Time will heal everything.
Having conflict with your partner means that you aren’t a good match.
Conflict isn’t love.
Not having any conflict is a good sign!
Repair happens through fucking it out. Who needs to talk?
Crying doesn’t make it any better.
Love isn’t complicated. Complicated is when you have to talk about everything and over-analyse stuff.
You are resilient. You’ll get over it.
None of these are true, but my parents taught me most of them. Which ones would you add to the list?
Conflict repair is one of the most important skills of human relating, whether you are in a romantic relationship or not.
Even if you have a fairly conflict-free romantic relationship, it’s vital to learn this. I must add here that some of you may not experience conflict, because perhaps you are conflict avoidant. Instead of bringing up difficult topics, issues as they arise, you avoid the topic or bow down to what someone else wants. The consequences if this build up over time.
I want to share my own repair recipe, which comes from my own experience and work, the Imago Technique, Attachment-style repair work, and working with the energetics of the body.
I share this in more detail on my Instagram
From the perspective of the person who initiates a conversation / is hurt or triggered:
- Consent - Is now a good time to talk about this?
- Sharing - ‘what’s hurting’ 'I am feeling…'
- What did you hear them say? What was the meaning you made from what they said? - The story I have in my mind about you / the situation is that…, The wound that’s being triggered is connected to…
- What do I need? - ‘Please’ …. And ‘Thank you’
From the perspective of the person who holds space for the other:
- Mirroring / Summarising / Deep Listening - ‘What I hear you say…’ ‘Is there more?’
- Understanding - ‘That makes sense’ 'can you clarify what you mean by...'
- Empathy - 'How could I support you better next time?' 'what would you most need to hear in a situation like that?'
- Apology / Self-responsibility, ownership, action steps - How do I embody change now?
In short:
- Is it safe to share?
- What’s hurting?
- What’t the story?
- What’s needed?
A repair process is completed when both people understand each others perspective and unmet needs, and any necessary behavioural change has occurred - although this can take some time and commitment - so that the trust that was broken can be re-built.
It’s important to do this repair process in the devotion of love. That means, even if a part of you wants to defend, close, protect, etc... you choose love. Even if a part of you doesn’t want to go first or be the one who calls for a repair process (perhaps because you are always the one), you choose love.
Every painful conflict should be repaired this way within 24 hours of the occurrence of the conflict.
If you are in a relationship, you might want to practice this at least weekly to clear any unfinished business that has occurred during the week.
If you are single, I still recommend you to lean in to conflict with other people. The more you practice, the better you get.
With love and devotion,
Bibi Gratzer
Sex and Relationship Coach
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